and then again

nightmares on the marble
in front of the haunted building.
this is the entry way
with mini revolvers
and federal agents.
so many spirits on the first floor
seeking solace in others' memory.

if we count our dead and otherwise departed
we are left with an abundance of empty spaces
we fill only with spirit in dreams.

i recount my foresight and second guess
why i didn't think to warn.

from across town,
almost two hours away,
his fear and adrenaline woke me up.
i jolted into 90 degree upright position
covered in night sweat and seeing.
reached for the crystals at my bedside
they trembled and howled and pierced my heart.
their message was deafening
but i couldn't understand it.
so now again.
i light a candle in the name of two kids
whose souls intertwined and pain feeds the other.

the burden of intuition and premonition and seeing.
sometimes i wish it hadn't been me.

had i been born with less magic
i could suffer tragedy in tears and loss.

instead knowing that i knew
makes me make magic
with all of my heart.
i fall asleep in spite of myself,
because of my hope strain.
i gave him all of me to make it.
fear that all of me is not enough.

and then again i wake up.
i am still on the steps
or the bed
or the sunshine
or my guardian moon.

like an appliance i plug back in.
charge myself with elements and intention.
i am going to be alright.
and that is what ultimately
feels like my demise.

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